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Diary of a Spiritual Midwife (part 8)

September 25

I see a deer in the inner planes two days ago.  This morning when still dark, I see a flash of very bright white light near my head and then the stag/deer runs across my inner vision.   It’s playful but regal at the same time and I realize somehow that this is a Buddhist symbol.  So what are you telling me? I am to move my campsite to Red Flats.  I take up my campsite, ready to leave this place now, and that afternoon meet a young man at market who told me he was just leaving Red Fir Flats and it was totally empty and beautiful.  I drive up and set up camp there that night.

I knew I needed to reconnect with the trees for D and I had spent one whole summer in 1996 camping up in the midst of these great Red Fir Trees.  This Red Fir species was the tree against which that we took our pictures for our first brochure.

I’m guided to a beautiful place and felt like the land was welcoming me like a long lost friend. I  stopped the car and got out to walk in the directions of some mighty boulders and the incredible energy stopped me in my tracks. Oh, I could not walk into the area it felt so deeply sacred, held for a certain purpose that I could not fathom. (there are so few words in our language for the word ‘sacred’.)  It seemed to be a portal of some kind and I was invited.   The trees spoke in the winds of the changing weather.  It was a special moment of knowing and merging.

I remember the story about one of the Dalai Lama’s helpers who was flying over Mt. Shasta from Seattle to San Francisco in the mid 90’s, looking out at the mountain and noticed something important about the trees.  He rented a car and drove back to Shasta and up to the mountain to find that the Tree Spirits that left Tibet when the Chinese invaded had come here.   All these years nobody knew where they went. Within weeks, a full-on Tibetan ceremony of celebration was preformed.

I am awake most of the night because it is so cold – 7000 ft.  But I keep seeing the Dali Lama and would not believe it was he, but then he would roar with laughter, as only he can do, so I did believe it finally.  He said all sorts of things to me.

1) It’s time to remember Shaminism and I am to journey to remember and pull it into me;

2) I am to be rooted shamanically in Mt Shasta to reconnect places with it where the web of life is weakened. The sun is my fuel.  Precious water is my sustainer.  It will be in out-of-the-way places – “You will always be safe with a force field of love and protection around you. Be at peace. You can do this easily by remembering who you are.  This is your work.”

3) I was shown Shasta Abbey many times through the night and told I would find a teacher there. In the morning, I can barely take down the tent as my fingers are so frozen.  The car thermometer says 36 degrees. No wonder I froze my wadoogies off. I head into town to warm up, and because the internet cafe I was using is no longer usable for certain hours, I go to a new one I have not been to before. There, a woman said to me that I look familiar, so we got to talking and she was just leaving the Shasta Abbey to go home and sell her home and move back permanently to become a nun!   I suddenly remember my evening visions of the Abbey and tell her, and she said that this weekend is the beginners retreat and to call now because they are setting up the rooms! She gets up and leaves for a Dr. appointment. We maybe spent two minutes together. It was that quick.

I started journeying in Fairfield, learning from Michael Harner, with drumming in a certain tempo. I was good at it and it was helpful as guidance. But for me what’s incredible when journeying are the feelings that come with the visions, and as your trust grows and you let go of doubt, visions take on even greater detail.

October, 4

Wow.   3 days of being in a Zen Monastery was a potent teacher.

The energy in the meditation hall was potent and I thank the lineage that created this.   The pace of the schedule was wonderful and although it started at 5 am, it was slower that we go in our daily life and mindfulness is so much easier without hurry.  No hurry in anything.   There were enough hands to make light work. I was surprised at the ceremony and ritual that is such a major part of Zen. I  had no idea there was anything but meditation -with a stick.  But that was a wrong impression, of this monastery at least, as there is such compassion here it made me cry twice as the recipient.

I saw my greed with food, and my ability to bring it into balance.  Their practices took food up a notch, from eating to live to food is medicine, so we don’t eat the same thing every day because our body needs many things, so even eating what you don’t like is good for what your body needs.  It transformed everything about food for me.  And eating silently!  What a blessing it is!  That was huge.  I saw my love, instead of only my self-judgment. I saw that my suffering is not in my outside life, but inside me, for that is what the Buddhist suffering is, and I never knew that! And that the 6 senses combine with “the 3 poisons” – greed, hatred and fear – to create all suffering, and it’s so subtle at times. And, I let go of my attachment to accomplishment – that I didn’t realize I was holding. Meditation was with half opened eyes, the hardest thing about the retreat. That’s so that meditation becomes life, and life becomes a meditation. With closed eyes, meditation is much more distinctly separate from life. And you don’t fall asleep! And, that you don’t go into an altered state. -The jury is out on this one, since I am so used to using this time and its altered state to receive answers to my questions, but without guiding the everyday needs of Sacred Birthing Foundation, I may not need to do this.

At the working meditation – Seva or service work, I was given to grate the cheese. Well, with my allergy to milk/cheese this was the perfect thing for me to focus on for that long, and I came to see it was connected not to the cow’s milk but to my mother’s milk. And through grating – enough for 60 people, I came to such compassion, seeing a deeper level of mom’s suffering in having baby after baby, when her desire was not to have children but to serve in an intellectual way. Bless you mom for bringing me into the world amidst your other desires that you allowed to be put on hold for another 15 years.

The stupa of the abbotess, the one who brought Zen Budhism to America and started this abbey, was a peaceful place. I went with lots of wonderings, and found that talking with her was louder than having her on a telephone! She was so practical and no nonsense. She said: “Deathing is long term learning – it will come to you as it comes. You will see and learn a great deal over time and share your insights with those who will do the deathing facet at the Sanctuary. Get back into birth. Keep your attention on the consciousness of the baby. The issue of mama’s childbirth pain will come along, but your gift is refining the parents to receive these children with their consciousness intact. What is it that can take each parent another step up in their growth? This is your gift.” Then I read the first few chapters of her biography and it was the same – practical and no-nonsense.

I had to laugh – I’ve had a knowing since age 23, that I would someday live in a community, never did I think it could be a monastery, yet here was community at its finest! And even my thoughts throughout my life of shaving my head fit with the bald monks and nuns here! What a trip! But their costumes are not in my farthest dreams! So, I’m still looking for “my” community. I think its Sacred Birthing’s.

Buddhism seems to be so concerned with suffering and this is a big question to me. I acknowledge that if one has never looked at what is hidden in one’s ‘closet’ then its necessary to stop denying it, take it out and shine our light on it. But my feeling is that if we are not living in a war torn area or one of famine and misery, our karma is one of far less suffering and far more self-forgiveness. Of course we each have our challenges and many are not easy to bear. Yet, if we happen to be in fairly supportive surroundings now, and can be at peace, can be appreciative and grateful, then I feel that we have a responsibility to the Earth and her humanity to radiate that to all others. This seems to be what these Indigo children know to be their truth. This is the higher vibration and certainly feels better so lets stay in this! And we certainly don’t see the Dalai Lama being miserable! He is pure joy.

SO, all this stuff about Buddhism leads me to ask: Why do I seek? To return to our “Face of God”, our original face of purity, that which newborn babies ARE, and show us. And in Sacred Birthing terms, I word it this way: Without conception, pregnancy and birth trauma, when babies are wanted and loved, babies retain their self-love. They remember why they chose to be born on this planet at this time, and, why they choose these parents to help them along their path.

October 5 and onward

All these days, my consciousness is narrowed and inward. D is being tested for stroke. Ultrasound on his carotid artery, C.A.T. Scans and angiograms. Such an experience for one who does not go to doctors. There is BIG energy around here. All his family is alerted and on call, integrating that things could go any way at this point. All are realizing in their own way, the love in their life called D, and what it would be like to be without it. He learns that a clot is deep in the brain. He is on the phone telling all of his adult children each update.

October 9

I am house sitting the beautiful cabin for 10 days, upstairs from D. It’s in the shape of a star and is an ashram to Yogananda. YEA I get to hold still. I don’t know that I am quite cut out for not having a home.

D goes to a new doctor who feels that he had a previous stroke when mountain climbing 2 years ago when he experienced severe altitude sickness. D is so expanded, so in complete gratitude. Last night he said he woke up in the middle of the night asking himself how could it be that he still fits in his bed when he is so huge and expanded! Today he struggles to put words on what is happening inside him: He swings from feeling deep intense sadness, the suffering of the world, to the greatest ecstasy and back again, each taking him to his knees, each bringing tears, and after many swings of the pendulum, somehow is it to be integrating them within himself? What major work he is doing. There is no fear for he has long done his deathing homework. Such as, Steven Levine’s how would your life change if you were only going to live a year? A month? A day? Death has been a friend for many years and a constant source of conversation.

A movie on Tibetan Shamans plays tonight – The fate of the Lhapa – how good is this timing???!!!!! Now I have the word for what I am remembering; a Lhapa. A Lhapa is “one who is in contact with the gods to perform healing.” I don’t know about that but the journeying is the same and I practice daily. Its not about Buddhism, its about shamanism. Yesterday, the Deva of Sage helps me with my focus and jumps into my crown. I make a tea of it to receive its help on all levels. The honeybee led me to Heart Lake when I got lost. The great tree at Castle Lake said to me, “Be gentle with yourself. You are in a major transition.”

Behind me at the movie sits the town midwife who said to another person, “Delivering babies is reliable money for me.” Oh please, may there be higher reasons than that, to be with a newborn baby at its most precious transition.

October 10

He said, “As I delve into my own mortality, I am finding my own immortality. It’s confusing – I start out with my mortality and I don’t know where I am.” The expansion continues whenever he is alone. He said that he was 5-6 when he saw his first Life Magazine showing pictures of suffering children in many countries, and from then to now, never knew how to bring together this dichotomy. “Why is their life not like my life?” It caused separation and craziness throughout his life, trying to understand how so much of the world can be so riddled with such intense suffering, and then in the next instant there is such great liveliness and ecstasy in nature, in people, in life. This quest of uniting these is the reason and the joy of his global travels. Maybe this is why his vibration matches the my exploration of the Buddhist path. He is such a big blazing open heart now, nothing else exists. He is full of love and appreciation and gratitude. Nature is his delight and worries are transformed with humor and lots of talk and they release their charge. His Circle of Willis, a halo of veins and arteries is well developed to give him more circulation. Many people do not even have such a thing, so it is praised quite often! He is so very conscious of every moment. We talk about how amazing it is that I should be here with him. Me! Such a gift.

October 11

We hike to Castle Lake, and on up to Heart lake and up beyond to the Outlook at the very top of the mountain to see Mt Shasta in its alpenglow as the sun goes down. Wow what a view of layers of ranges, and two baby lakes way beneath us. This is his power place when he is on this continent. He may never be able to climb mountains again and this makes him sad. But life is still more precious. He says, “Oh, I will live if I can, but it’s a good day to die!” It is his grandchildren who pull him into living most. Burr, the weather is changing and the Indian summer is over.

Oct 14

My great work is to recover my feelings. Their disappearance was a result of turning them off so that I don’t feel my own ancient cruelty. From my Dark Night of the Soul 11 years ago, I am called throughout these years to find deeper layers of me. I have such a journey this morning in meditation with honey bee, hawk, elephant and cobra assisting. I keep asking to feel, but do I really want to feel what’s coming? I don’t know the result of all this, but if D passes, it will certainly be a great loss to my heart. My purpose in being here is to be with him to let him go, as his children could not. He laughs when he realizes that they too will go through uniting love and ecstasy with the sadness of loss. He laughs and hoots as he thinks of giving each of his children a vision quest for themselves as they take his ashes to the different parts of the world that he loves most: the source of the Ganges, the top of Mt Shasta, a town at 15,400 feet in Ecuador’s highest mountain….. Always making life fun! So much laughter. That’s all we do as these days pass.

October 14

In another journey, I see that family life is the piece that makes life fertile and rich. I see that the Sacred Birthing Community is for families for three YEARS, not for three months! From before conception through pregnancy and through the first two years. No wonder the Birthing Sanctuary did not manifest yet! I had it in too little of a box! We need a huge piece of land for a 5th Dimensional community for families whose priority is to raise kind and loving children. And I hear, “open to being in another country.” Bryce leaves for Ecuador today. Hmmmmmm.

October 15 – onward

Visions of a place in South or Central America keep coming across my screen. A few months ago I have visions of a birthing clinic in India in all its details, and the most remarkable part of it was the juice it inspired in me! So much excitement! I have always wanted to do something like be a Peace Corp midwife and thought I missed out this time around. But here are pictures of a birth clinic happening in my head and the same excitement in my bones!

October 20

Just as D is finding stability through this experience and I find my thoughts suddenly can go elsewhere, I am introduced to energetic healing. Someone is on the massage table and states his intention, or not. 8 others surround him, offering the piece we are given and like a dance, change our positions and offerings as if in a grand orchestration. It is even more fascinating to me to give this, than to receive my own session. I am amazed what I am being told to do to assist other people’s bodies and release. Incredible! Im seeing that I have more hands than 2. These hands go to various places on the body in front of me. Sometimes they are not slow and they have no predetermined way to do anything. They usually shake up what is happening so that it can be cleared. I call them my olive oil hands because that’s what they looked like when they first came. I actually saw them in my dream for the first time when I was a brand new mom and they saved my toddler Alec, from falling off the sliding board. And here they are again!

October 22

I am staying at Stewart Mineral Springs in a tiny cabin. With nothing to do since the springs are closed on Tuesday and Wednesday, I sink into the level where my connection is interrupted – in meditation, in guidance, in thought, in my body kinesiology. I keep coming up with, “more entities”. This has been endless ever since the Dark Night of the Soul. “As the god of my life, I intend energetic integrity.” I rail at Source that life on earth is so difficult as it is, much less with entities creating more havoc in all humanity. How is humanity able to step up with such a constant barrage of sabotage??? How can we be expected to move into a higher vibration with this level of interference? I don’t see how it’s possible. I decree that something must be done with this! PLEASE attend to this, hierarchy of Angels! After 2 days, I feel immensely better. Thanks to Archangel Michael who is constantly working with me. But the next day I experience the same thing again. What is going on!!? I discover that there are opened channels in me that allow in a whole new batch of entities, once others have been cleared. Thank you for showing me this! PLEASE close all these channels in all dimensions of consciousness, and keep them closed for all time and in all space.

Who is Arch Angel Michael? I am sorry to have held you in a tiny box too! The only part I knew about you and made use of, was that you stood for TRUTH, and to ask you for clearing from entities and energies that do not belong in me. And so I journey and have an experience of him as a Enormous being of etheric flames where nothing but light and love can stand in this dynamic and loving flame of purification. So as we call in this help, in comes waves that move through us, all resistance, all density, all “less than” our highest can not stand this vibration. I think this is why Archangel Michael is displayed with the symbol of the sword. What a feeling you are. And in these 3 days of doing nothing else, with the help of Telos, the Ascended Masters of Mt Shasta, I have new experience of myself as I get to a clear space within my energetic body. But there is still more to go.

October 28

D is given a clear bill of health. The clot is still there, but the doc said that he is in such good health that if it were he, he would continue with a full life. D is thrilled for this means he does not have to stick around for more tests. He has his freedom! He goes to visit his kids for his grandson’s 2 year old birthday, where all members of the family are converging from all over the country! And I am happy to house sit in his cabin for 3+ weeks. As he leaves, I have a place to do some research.

October 30

I keep tuning into Bryce to see how he is and feel he is not thrilled with Ecuador until the last day of his trip. And that’s what he said. But the last day made his trip worth it, for as a botanist, he wants to see species he has not seen before. He finally gets to the jungle part and is in heaven. The weather is much like Kauai, even though the country is on the equator.

I am still feeling South America – maybe for a Community and a birth clinic. I have a realization that those born in South and Central America are in their hearts: they retained their self-love at the time of birth. It’s obvious within their families. It’s places that have been so influenced by American birthing that have been traumatized and have lost it. So, I wonder, what is it that Sacred Birthing can do for the place that needs it most – America? We can train midwives and doulas and send them back to their homes so that they become the seeds of gentle birthing at the grass roots level. That’s what we are to do. And a birth clinic for indigenous people will be our offering. Wow, it looks like the pieces are coming together and building quite a picture. I wondered why the SB Birthshops 1, 2, and 3 were going through such transmutation when I first got to Mt Shasta! Now the puzzle is becoming a picture. It’s all part of a 6 week training for those who are midwives, midwife’s apprentices and doulas.

I start looking for Spanish classes online, and feel that immersion, living with a family is the way for me. But languages have been tough my whole life, another sign of a limbic brain that has had birth trauma. So what to do? I ask for the part of me that has lived in the Andes in other lifetimes to come back to me and help me with the language, the people, the customs and ways. I start having Spanish words on my lips or as I awaken, or sometimes even in my dreams. Hooray! I know I will be visiting birth clinics in all the countries on my way south so that I understand and learn from each. And practice Spanish.

Nov 2

I called my sister who had a birthday yesterday and although she is not one to answer any emails to the family, she answered me!  I asked her what she did on her birthday yesterday and she said she spent it with Lynne Twist, from the Pachamama Foundacion that works in Ecuador.   She said “you know of her don’t you?”  Well no, I didn’t but here was Ecuador again.  Interesting.  And my sister Nancy and Lynne are in Fairfield Iowa!  Coincidences are piling on top of each other.  So I asked her if she would introduce me.

November 4

Although I have always yearned to, Hands-on-healing has not been a gift of mine so far this lifetime, and to be stepping into this is still mind blowing to me. The feedback is so validating and I feel like this is what I have been waiting for all my life. So fulfilling. Every Thursday. Wow what a gift! And in the journey of the day, I look at my hands and see that my hands have turned to quarts crystal! My hands are clear! Oh my goodness, this is what I have been inwardly told for years, that we need to have clear hands, we who touch babies. And inner work is what clears our hands.

For those who have done mucho inner work, “forever”, I feel there is a new way of doing it. Stay in a high vibration and as life presents things that bubble into your awareness, attend to them by feeling them, the most important part, and return as soon as possible to your high vibration. I don’t think we need to slog thru anything anymore.

November 5

25 year old Garrett from Fairfield shows up in the pouring rain right as I am going to bed. Hitching a ride, the driver went 100 miles out of his way to bring him to Mt Shasta for he is so fascinating to talk to. His travels are extensive and his soul design is to “find all the animals I love.” His stories tell of living in the desert with the rattle snakes, and traveling to find and share the beady eyed stare of a Polar bear, the intensity of the energy of a Jaguar, tracking a Grisly, meditating next to a baby Moose, whose mother was nearby and just kept on munching. Even rolling up a huge Anaconda into a ball to get it off the road so it would be safe. He is fearless, and he goes into the jungles in Peru, Columbia, Australia and Africa where there are still undiscovered tribes, to take part in their tribal living. Without supplies, without language, sharing their food and eating everything that is offered! seeing how different the children are without TV – they are absolutely present. His stories are awesome. And so many incredible pieces are being offered to me to support my journeying forward. I suggest James Twyman and the Indigo kids for he is surely one of them and they would surely love him! Looks like a young Crocodile Dundee, doesn’t he?

November 6

Drumming journey, (with a drummer and a drum, for the first time since I started):

I am in the jungle looking out, I am a big cat, bird, snake, I am the animals looking at me, and I am in the center of a clearing looking at them look at me. …. I turn around and there is a huge pyramid and an inverted pyramid on its bottom into the earth. Beneath, a huge crystal sends a shaft of light up the apexes into the sky and it comes down the steps of the pyramid as a huge snake and goes into the jungle, into a hut and shape-shifts into the sick person on the bed, who is me too. The sick one dies and the spirit of me comes out of the sick person and stands above and behind the healer standing by the bed, overseeing his healing. … I’m suddenly in a village down, way down a hill. I am looking as the hair-style of women, twisted hair with material twisted in it, and am aware of being received in this circle of women. The one on my left gives me a chicken and the feeling is so good. They are my sisters. … I am immediately up the hill in a city and am in offices. I am being received in the bureaucratic area by friendly men who ask “what do you need? and how we can help? and let me give you this…..”. All the worry of “how are we going to do what we know we need to do” drains out of me and my body lets go of this stored worry. ….. I am back down in the village and hear, “This is your home.”

November 7

Meditating with Grace: Ego and mind not appreciated anymore and Grace said that the mind is an awesome tool that is getting a bad rap these days. I’m asking about my pulsing head, and BS that may keep me from unifying the modes of healing, like surgery, into my realm of possibility, interesting after D showed me how good it could be.

“We are with you as you ARE able to resolve this. You have worked hard eliminating what does not belong, and now it s time to instill what could have belonged there to begin with. Micah’s suggestion was a good one and you have already instilled within your brain that you are blessed and wanted. YOU are a blessed being, as is anyone who has the opportunity to serve in the way she chooses. You will not be delayed in Ecuador, as ALL of your healing teams are with you in this. We can help.”

Here is Abbie, who channels Grace and the magnetized the healing team to this group. A Beautiful lady, at a medicine wheel of Natosa’s, also a healing team member, north of Mt Shasta in the desert.

Tonight is the night that all the lovers of Mt Shasta party in support of the mountain, donating at a fun harvest dinner to preserve this glorious mountain and its pristine water supply from big conglomerates who wish to use it for their own gain. Its water comes from snow melt and drips through the rock of the mountain for hundreds of years, finally coming out at the base of a hill to become the headwaters of the Sacramento River, the sacrament, and water truly is. All go there to fill up their gallon jugs. It’s taste is spectacular. And even the city water is tested every week and found to be perfect. Nothing is put in the city water. How amazing is that! This water meanders through the fields and neighborhoods. That’s what I intend for the Community. Clean Pure Waters. Bless you waters of the world.

Headwaters of the Sacramento River, and playing bowls in gratitude for the gifts of water. This was my gift to run into this as I came to say good by to the waters.

Here is a special rock to you especially Noah! But it is way to0 big to pick up or bring you!

November 8,

I go up to the Red Fir Trees to drop off Garrett, who is going to camp as a vision quest, at 7000 ft, (when its 28 degrees at 4000 ft!) He said to me, “Why can’t we hitchhike on a starship? I want to go to Australia!” Why didn’t I think of that?

I drop him off and find myself drinking in the sun. It’s a practice I’ve been doing for about 2 years, and just heard in the healing group that it unites the Pineal and Pituitary glands, and when that happens we are able to tune to higher frequencies. So simple, it goes like this:

Sit in the early morning sun. Over and over again, pull the sun into your 3rd eye and into your whole brain. (Stay focused and continue doing this for 5 minutes without letting yourself get side tracked into the wonderful ideas that will come to you.) Be in a place of gratitude to the Sun, the giver of life, and to Mother Earth, the giver of the stage for life. If you see that the sun beams go to the side, simply ask to be aligned with the Sun and you will see it shift straight to your forehead.

Then do the same thing for another 5 minutes with the addition of bringing it down your spine and into the hollow Earth. As it gets there, see the hollow Earth fills with the radiance of the Sun. PHEW! Again, be in a place of gratitude to the Sun, and to Mother Earth.

After 10 minutes, relax and allow your self to space out and receive the Sun’s gifts of inspiration, all the good ideas inspired by the sun. What I’ve discovered is that each morning I see what is suggested and important for my day. ENJOY!

Nov 9

The name of the Community/ Sanctuary that keeps coming is: Farm Where Kindness Grows.

Nov 14

I am introduced to Nancy D. who invites me to ride from Mt Shasta and sit at their table at a luncheon for Panchamama next week.  Wow.  All roads are leading to Ecuador.  And mighty fast too!

Nov 19

I am in a huge warehouse in San Francisco that has been transformed into a space for a benefactors luncheon.  I sit at the table, as one of thousands, and as the pictures and videos of Ecuador come on the hugh screen on the stage, with the sounds of the jungle, tears start rolling down my cheeks, and there the slippery kind that don’t stop.  They keep coming and I don’t even care.  Something so deep is happening and I can’t put it into words.  I just keep crying.  With every speaker, they come again.  I know my body and know this is important.  This is so very dear to me but I don’t know what piece.  So I just stop my mind and take it in.

At the end I go up and meet 4 people.  The first two think I am nuts and up come all my doubts.  It really sets me back for about 10 minutes and I have to regroup and realize that it does not matter what anyone else thinks, this is what I am being called to do.  Finally I meet Lynne and am received with a hug when I tell her that I have dreamed this contact with the people of Ecuador.  That the dream of a Birthing Sanctuary is finally located because the “pods” I saw in 1998 vision look just like the pictures of what Pachamama has built in the jungle.  This is where it belongs!  Oh my goodness!  I also meet Belen, who speaks english, who knows I am serious because I am already coming.

Diary of a Spiritual Midwife (part 7)

September 27, 2009

It’s really a chance to pray, making a medicine wheel.   I ask what the intention is for this wheel and find that it is to raise the vibration of the camping area so that this area becomes a camp for those who seek to be more conscious, and each summer there are many attracted with a higher purpose of conscious refinement. I call out to the Directions for the size and form this wheel is to hold.   I call out to each stone, “Who is to be placed next?”  I ask where each needs to go to support this intension.  It is a process that is not about speed.   After 5 hours I am only 1/3 done and am whooped.   These stones are heavy.  Eight of them are much too heavy for me.   Tomorrow I’ll complete it.   I take a swim at placenta rock in this 90 degree heat.   What a good name for this boulder!

The Medicine Wheel is to raise the vibration of the campground.

September 28, 2009

Five more hours and lots more prayer takes me through the many layers of intension for this wheel.  Forgiveness of self for all humanity is the majority prayer as the outer circle and the inner circle is formed.  I finish not today but in the third day’s morning sun.  12 hours of deep prayer for humanity’s awakening created this rock formation that will silently sit in the riverbed till the next snowmelt.

On the fourth day, the camp area erupts.   Young people screaming to each other, not talking, not yelling in fun, but screaming their conversations.   I don’t understand.  They are throwing rocks, big rocks, down at the dam, smashing them down on others.  I haven’t seen this kind of behavior before.  Then a woman walked past me and said she had heard them screaming about “meth” and we both understood.   Later talking to David, he told me that a psychologist said that meth is something that supports the ego to be unleashed.  That’s just what was happening in the behavior that I saw.   It was scary to see the ego take over.

The next morning, two days after the medicine wheel was finished, I realize that I feel finished here after the wheel was done.  I look below on my morning walk to my meditation tree in the sun and see that the three stone dams that so nicely held the deep waters for the swimming hole have been destroyed.   All the rocks are strewn all over.    I hear, “When the vibration rises, chaos results in order for the change to occur.”   I think back on several situations and think of the truth in this.

September 29, 2009

The stunning house I was to rent high up the mountain was reclaimed by its owner.   I am sad that I will not be living at this place that birthed my book, Sacred Birthing, Birthing A New Humanity.  I realize that I must be heading the wrong direction.  Ok, where DO you want me?  Why am I here???  Show me so that I get it!

Vibration, Orgasmic Birth & Newborn Consciousness

Birth is magnificent. With the high drama births so common today, we have lost sight of this magnificence, and as a culture have begun to fear birth. Though when allowed to progress in its own way and at its own pace, birth shows us how each baby needs to be born, and how each mom can claim her initiation. We have come to fear birth because we have lost our birth wisdom, the inner wisdom passed down from our mothers and grandmothers, our aunties and sisters. We no longer meet at the well, the kitchen, or the red tent to share the stories that once strengthened us.

It’s time to change this. Babies are asking for something more aligned with who they are. Many children being born are incarnating on Earth for the first time and come to inspire goodness. They have no karma and no wounding, and without these, they are born with great life force and health, but our birth practices introduce vibrational harm that results in severe health challenges. When they are born quickly, without time to interfere, they prove to be in the best of health.

Trauma at any age hurts or makes us scared, and is difficult to integrate. Trauma at birth makes a newborn constrict physically and emotionally. The nerves that have previously been fully open and receptive in the safety of the womb, now constrict and tighten, and fear is felt often for the first time. Emotionally, a baby shuts down and turns within. Baby’s body-consciousness declares: “This hurts,” and remains in a protected stance, trying to make sense of this feeling. Baby’s soul-consciousness makes its first earthly decision: “This is a hostile world.” All later decisions will support this first one and become the seed of a baby’s personality.

Midwives know that a baby’s personality is created by its birth. We see it all the time and watch as babies grow. Who a baby becomes, comes from mom, dad, and from baby’s own past lives. The journey through conception, gestation and the birth experience crystallizes and imprints what we are born to heal: time issues, gender and food issues, worthiness, our default emotion, relationship choices, turning toward nurturing or withdrawing. These and more influence a lifetime.

Everything is remembered about the circumstances of our birth whether it was spoken or thought: What was the doctor thinking about me? Were the nurses caring or too busy? Was mom conscious? Where was Dad? What were the emotions present? What was my first nourishment like? How will this life challenge me? Which siblings support me? Why did I choose these parents? What is my soul-design? It is all remembered in the recesses of our heart. Without trauma, a newborn knows it. With trauma, it will be remembered as and when the trauma heals.

Our birth memories are our road map to the healing of our lifetime. As a birth therapist, I found that few adults believe they can remember their birth experience, yet we all can. It is written within every cell of our being. Our body remembers and with a little help, what has been subconscious can be made conscious to bring about great healing. Not only can we heal, but remembering our birth makes us absolutely aware that all babies remember and are conscious. Since babies are conscious at birth, they remember how they are treated. Our treatment shows them how precious and worthy they are. How do we wish to welcome them? Sacredly. Softly. As a celebration. With our greatest presence and inner stillness. With love.

Birth isn’t created in the hours of labor but with every feeling and action both parents have, from their very first inkling of a baby, right up to its birth. This ‘field of birth’ then becomes the energetic force field of pregnancy that carries a mom into her birth. Create it with trust, and do your very best for your baby. Create it with fear, being too busy throughout pregnancy, or thinking, “this (fast food, drink, joint, cigarette…) won’t matter,” results in the drama so common in modern birth, because your gut emotions about your upcoming birth create a vibration. This vibration will always attract a birth to match. Can you purge your fears and create inner peace and a joyful anticipation about your birth? Can you and your partner practice harmony to offer your baby your very, very best?

Birth is an enormous passage for all mothers, but as a midwife, I see that the moms who worry through pregnancy have more pain, and those who are happy and assured end up with a beautiful home birth. In the past, we have seen this as a woman’s empowerment, but what if vibration is the key to what determines a birth? What if it also determines the pain or ease in which you give birth?

Vibration is easy to understand when you imagine a line graph. Imagine one of emotional feelings ascending in vibration from the lowest to the highest: hopelessness, panic, fear, anxiety, insecurity, unsure, surrender, ease, contentment, positive intent, well-being, appreciation, gratitude, joy, bliss, love and ecstasy. Our mental patterns are also vibrations: resigned to the worst, self-judgment, dread, chaos, constriction, struggle, negativity, ‘trauma/drama’, restlessness, surrender, tolerance, hope, acceptance, openness, peace, trust competence, creative, empowered, coherent. Reread these and feel each one, and you will see what your baby would be steeping in if this were your predominant feeling or thought in pregnancy. Our self-talk reflects where we are at any given time.

Vibration is an exceptional tool for birth. Certain biological states only exist at certain vibrations. Pain is a biological state that does not exist at a high vibration. So, if a mom spends her pregnancy at a happy high vibration, she is lots closer to the higher vibration where there is no pain. More and more births are being created in ecstasy, yet most women keep this to themselves as they are not believed when they share their stories. Orgasmic/ecstatic births are happening and are a product of a high vibration. Your vibration through pregnancy is your pathway to an ecstatic birth.

Another aspect of orgasmic birth is that two different vibrations cannot exist at the same time and space, so when feeling the vibration of joy, there is no room for the vibration of doubt, fear, anger, etc. Staying where it feels good trains us in using vibration. This is our spiritual practice on our way toward sacred conception and throughout pregnancy.

A high vibration also protects the consciousness of your baby. With this protected radiance, a baby retains her innate sense of self-love. This is not something she will have to work to regain, as we have in our forties and fifties. It is hers from birth. A high vibration retains the multi-dimensional abilities (healing, telepathy, stimulating creativity…) that a baby brings to share. These babies are not choosing to be born at the low vibration of self-judgment and karma, but at the other end of the spectrum, the vibration of coherence, trust and love.

The babies being born now are a higher consciousness/higher vibration and are extremely sensitive and cannot tolerate the birth practices that do not take vibration into consideration. What are we doing at birth to reduce vibration? Anything that results in baby or mom feeling fear or pain. We are scaring mothers, and bringing pain and fear to the unborn by using things like fetal heart monitors; ultrasound/sonogram, internal monitors. At birth, we use forceps and vacuum extractions, instead of giving mom more time, or getting her to squat; we cut the cord before breathing is well established, making baby fear death at the moment of birth; we separate baby from mother and father; we give shots and stab heels; we are unconscious in our care of the newborn; and we circumcise. Because of today’s version of birth, trauma and its repercussions are being seen in generations of children, and these traumatized children are called ‘normal’ because little else has been seen in medical birth.

The most significant harm comes however, from the drugs that are used at the time of birth. Picture this: As mother is learning to work with labor and opening to the ever-increasing flow of Divine energy moving thru her body, the vibration of mother’s body is rising. The baby’s body within mother also experiences this. As labor progresses, mother incorporates greater amounts of this refined energy and her vibration is rising more quickly. As it gets most intense, this energy prepares baby’s body to mesh with its soul at this highest vibration. Body and soul mesh most coherently like a hand in a well-fitting glove. Baby is securely rooted into its body, with a fully functioning, pristine nervous system. When this happens at birth, baby is at ease in her body, is involved in life surrounding her, and thrives from the very beginning.

When a pain medication is given, the vibration of mother and therefore baby’s body, suddenly plummet in response, yet the vibration of the baby’s soul remains high and constant. The impact of an epidural causes a great energetic discrepancy between baby’s body and soul, previously aligned before medication was given. The soul is not able to come fully into the body because the nervous system shuts down from the depressing effect of drugs on the vibration of baby’s body. The soul energy previously aligned to the body is now, no longer in sync. They are out of phase. Baby’s most delicate levels of senses and multidimensional abilities are eliminated.

This pulsation is cumulative however, so the young baby may not be noticeably affected at first. Eventually, the growing child will perceive these as jolts of energy: she will act out this inner experience of too much discordant energy, she is not able to sit still and is hypersensitive to stimulus. This is an energetic description of a child with Attention Deficit Disorder. A body was not designed to carry discordant energy. America’s epidemic of A.D.D. has been caused by this vibrational discrepancy created by the epidurals administered to mothers at birth. Plus, when a mother is given an epidural, she gives away her initiation because she gives credit to the epidural. She has not discovered her new inner stance of “I did it! And if I can do that, then I can do anything!” Parents need to be advised of the toxic and vibrational risks of epidurals and no one is speaking. If the truth were told, all parents would protect their babies and find harmless options.

When we respect the nature of birth, we are open to learn from it, we wonder, we listen and await the answers within. With an attitude of trust, we move forward one step at a time. Parents are taking their power back in birth, no longer enduring what is being offered as modern birth. Instead, they are creating what feels best to their hearts. This is a powerful force, and it is self inspired for the good of baby, mama, her lover, the family and the transformation of Birth itself. In an atmosphere of love and trust, un-medicated natural birth protects the vibration of a newborn. It is where the mother finds Ecstasy, and as this occurs, birth returns to the perfection that nature intended all along.

By sacredly moving into birth, parents reconnect with who they are, and give birth to their babies in a way that is safe, sacred, at a high vibration and most meaningful to them. Birth is then the highest alignment of body, soul and planetary energies to support each baby’s full potential. And then, the full radiance each baby holds is a blessing to the Earth.

Diary of a Spiritual Midwife (part 6)

September 22, 2009

(Happy birthday dad.)

I am being taught to journey through time, space and dimensions.   What good tools I have developed to be ready for this – past life therapy, birth therapy and midwifery.  Ultimately, I am to journey for souls in birth, the birth itself, and death.  I am to go into the future/past to see information and bring back what is to be.  I am to un-wrinkle the karma in mom, or release the reason for pain…   How?

“I am your guide.  There are many degrees of openness and journeying takes different acuities.  I am the Spirit of the Journey that offers this service for your love.   I am more active in the dark.   Use me when you have questions.  Use me when you want depth.  Use me as your best friend for life.   Your love has opened you to me as your helper.”


September 25. 2009


We are reconstructing Telos (the 5th Dimensional city inside Mt Shasta) in our studio.   It is beautiful, perfect and meaningful in every degree, color, alignment.  It’s made of crystals and stones in perfect geometries.  Temples are in exact placement to support love in families and all individuals.   Nature grows in the exact places and ways to support human development.   There is so much excitement in this discovery.   Terri N is working on with us too.  One is invited into this project when it is time.  The city is like the body in design.  Perfection.  Divine.   One roof most intrigues me.  It is made of Crisophase, beautiful, translucent, green.  Inner authority is the most noticeable ingredient of each person in the project.   By working on the “model,” it changes our bodies.  Such precision, such delicious sweetness, such relevancy.  It all matters.  It’s all beautiful.   It’s all a temple.  It’s all sacred.   It all reflects love.   It’s rounded and made of materials we don’t know how to build with: gemstones and minerals.  They are not encased, the whole building is made from them.  There is no structure used to build it into form.  It is built of consciousness.   There are waterways the moment you need refreshment, thirst, or a change of pace.   There is a red ribbon across the front. It is cut and I walk in. I’m in kindergarten again and it feels good.


September 25, 2009

Seven pregnant mamas, two papas, and five apprentices came to an informal talk I was invited to speak at.  What a blast!   There were all kinds of births, and all were open to taking one more step to be more gentle for their baby.  It was a lovely evening in Mt Shasta at the Flying Lotus next to Berryvale.

The river near my campsite


September 26, 2009

I met a woman who has held a vision, since 1988, of an incredible Healing Sanctuary given to her by St Germain!  (Check it out at: http://shastavortex.com/retreat.)   She has been here working on it since then making inroads in the zoning committee.  Everything that I felt was stumping me.  She gave me the homework to create EXACTLY what I want in a Birthing Sanctuary without any constricture (is that a word) except to stay under $25 million.  What a delicious assignment.  Do it exactly as you would like it to be!  It is getting clearer and more profound.

I have been camping two+ weeks at the river,and until now, it has been silent except for the wind through the Pines and the pure water’s gurgles.  Lots of reflection, loads of letting go.  The Earth is such a spectacular healer.   Thank you Nature.  Thank you Mother Earth.  Today I’m asked to make a medicine wheel in the dry riverbed where there are millions of rock-beings just sitting in the sun . In spring, this is all under water with the snowmelt, but now there is nothing but rocks of all sizes between the two rounded riverlets of icy cold water.   I am camping on the cliff overlooking this vesica pieces of flowing water.

Diary of a Spiritual Midwife (part 5)

September 14, 2009

The lake is awesome, but you can only camp in a campground with others and I am looking for some silence.  I go down to the river 2000 feet below and find a place that suits.

Lake Crystal… smooth as glass

Last night, I went into the mountain as if going into a huge mansion. In each beautiful room was someone else incredible to meet.   I was taken again to the ‘nursery’ of souls who would be incarnating consciously on Earth.  There were hexagonal honey-bee like cells.  An energetic glowing oval was in each cell.  Each oval’s light would fade and as soon as it did, a great radiant being would come and direct her conscious love to that baby-being-to-be and once again it would glow radiantly.  Then, she would move on to the next.   At about 2 months incubation time, when the soul’s light no longer faded, it was ready to be implanted in a mother who would then conceive in another 2 months.   I was told that at any time in this 4 month period… if a mother to be did not want to be pregnant… she would only need to clearly state this with her partner.   Then, I stood with Lord Lento behind me and sent love to baby after baby.  I understood and felt the vibrational precision of the quality of this love being sent to these energetic babies.  What a big gift and incredible feeling!   A most incredible experience and deep honor.


September 18, 2009

Morning meditation:

Of course birth is orgasmic!   When the heart opens, the yoni opens.  The throat’s opening is our work during pregnancy and the crown is opened by Divine Mother (whatever name you are most comfortable with,) at the time of birth.   The first chakra only opens when it is safe, so our moms must be safe if birth is to happen.  The third chakra is pacified by oxytocin.   However, if there is not clarity between mother and her mother’s lineage, this chakra is in a holding pattern: Is it flowing?  Is it closed?  Does it clench down?   When all is aligned and in sync, birth is as open as a woman ever is!  It only happens when a woman feels safe. And then… of course birth is orgasmic!

I go up to hike in Shasta’s Panther Meadows and I speak to a woman who is just leaving.  On discovering I am a midwife she says, “I had an orgasm with my second birth!”  But her next statement was, “Birth is brutal!”  She kept repeating the comment, so I asked her about it.  I thought it interesting to put these two statements, orgasmic and brutal, together.

She began her story, “On the first birth, the baby was coming and they held me down to give me ether.  I didn’t want ether. I didn’t need ether.  It took four interns to hold me down so they could give me ether!   I woke up hours later and had missed the whole birth.  To this day, that baby is an angry man.”   Her “baby” is now 60, and she is 84.

She goes on, “For the third baby, the doctor was not there yet.  The nurse at the top of the gurney said to the other nurse, ‘just hold her legs together till the doctor gets here.’   I yelled at them, ‘If you so much as touch my legs, I will kick you!'”  I could tell she felt pleased that she protected her baby, but she also didn’t have the uninterrupted spiritual space to really be with that birth. S he had had to be her own advocate/guardian.  She had to be on the defense, and it took her out of being with her own experience.

It was the second baby that she gave birth to in the hall of the maternity ward without the staff knowing it, and this baby was born in the midst of bliss.  She had heard on TV that there was such a thing as ‘orgasmic birth’ and she knew full well that she had had one.   I was sorry to hear that although she had 3 very different experiences in birth, the one with most charge was the one that was ‘brutal’.   What a sad state to be in… to never have her ‘sad birth’ integrated… even after 60 years!   How many others are in this predicament?

Birthing Sisters: Our Community Doula Monthly Gathering

The Sacred Birthing Community Doulas meet monthly as a way to support each other in our work and continue to learn and grow. We met last night and shared several birth stories. I see very clearly how our presence is making a difference, not only on Kauai, but anywhere we go.

Eight of the women from the first doula class were there along with our teacher, Barbara Essman, and one woman from the second class. It was a reunion of sorts as some of us hadn’t seen each other in several months. Because the course is so intimate and so much is explored, we really got to know each other and care about each other. What a great way to build community!

One of us is pregnant, due in a few weeks, and we’ve witnessed her blossoming into a beautiful, confident mom-to-be. Her blessingway was an outpouring of love and support. She recently assisted at a birth and watched with wide-eyed wonder at the baby’s head emerging from mom’s yoni realizing that soon that would be her. Great preparation for her upcoming birth.

We heard about two hospital births where doulas were welcomed, moms were fully supported in their wishes and the birth experiences were very positive. Happy moms, happy bright-eyed babies. Good news!

We talked about baby whispering and how responsive babies are to our communication with them. Telling the baby what’s going on at all stages of the birth and postpartum is really helpful and brings peace.

We heard about placenta previa and placenta abruptia – how to recognize them and their repercussions.

One doula, while visiting a pregnant friend who lives in a rural area on the mainland told of a community where several miscarriages have taken place recently and the concern on the part of women who live there. This real-life example got us talking about the environment and possible reasons why this might happen.

One mom was having problems breast feeding due to inverted nipples so this sparked a discussion of methods used to support lactation from nipple shields to breast pumps to formula feeding combined with nursing.

Barbara reminded us that it’s a privilege to be at a birth. It involves a lot of trust on the part of the family to allow us into their homes and their lives. What we’re doing as community doulas is a spiritual practice. We must let go of any attachment to outcomes. We bring an energetic infusion that will be there after we leave so we must take great care in preparing ourselves before we enter.

The next doula training program begins on January 8. Please see the calendar for a course description and details. I look forward to our next community doula gathering. Will you be there?

Diary of a Spiritual Midwife (part 4)

My spirit loving, traveling gypsy of light, friend Celeste

September 12, 2009

Camping at Castle Lake.  I meet up with Celeste, a gypsy for years, roving to various places in the country and out with many other single older women who move by the call of spirit.   She answers some of the questions I have been sitting with regarding food and vibration- living on Light or becoming “White Fire,” as she calls it.   This is how she does her inner work:   she stops eating and lives on light, without even water.  Then, as she takes in food or water again, she feels that it introduces the duality of the world and so she sees whatever comes up as her work at this level of vibration… that’s her inner work.  I am especially interested in the idea that introducing water brings duality. She also said that if she is not drinking, she is warm.  It is water that seems to put out her “fire.”  Where are you now Celeste?

She hands me a fabulous book on birth trauma and the Reptilian brain!  (Don’t you love how life is orchestrated?) Feelings Matter, Keys To The Unexplored Self, by Ceanne DeRohan 2007.   This is the basis for all we do in Sacred Birthing and why we do it.  The text is redundant, but she is making a string of points to understand the workings of the newborn brain and how important it is to fulfill the needs of a newborn in those first hours.   A must read for all of us.  We should carry it in the Birth Store.

Birth trauma is the imprinted road map to healing for this life, and it is what we must unwind before death.  We connect to Divine Mind and discover Self Love when all is healed or; in the absence of trauma, we are Divine Mind and Self Love. What do we choose for our babies? What do we choose for our next lifetime?

Lake Crystal

Our ignorance of newborn trauma has created 3 generations ruled by their reptilian brains – competitive, aggressive and manipulative.   It makes me want to cry.  What can I do?   For ourselves, we ask for Limbic renewal – a baseline of calm.   For our babies, we explain and remind the parents about the importance of the fulfillment of all needs, and protect the space for parents to fulfill them.

There is an amazing part on Circumcision and how it debases the original harm at birth.  It is crucial to men, far more than I even realized.   Without circumcision, ease and trust is found in all relationships or; with it circumcision comes feelings of betrayal, suspicion, defensiveness or outright hostility/violence.   Our babies’ birthright of trust is ruined.  Circumcision is not about what our baby’s penis looks like.   It’s about protecting our baby boys and allowing and supporting the trust and kindness inherently in men.  How can we have sacred sexuality and sacred conception when we circumcise our baby boys?  Women, that means us!  We are the ones to protect.   Don’t back down.  Make sure your partner understands this emotional result.   Help him reclaim who he rightfully is by re-experiencing his circumcision.  Who can lead this for the good of all men?   Jason?  Nick?

The closer circumcision is done to the time of birth, the deeper the imprint.  The book illustrates that man has three ways of taking this trauma into the baby body: expressing it through sadness and withdrawal, through fear and defensiveness or through anger and lashing out.   These three things are a good illustration of the state of men in America.

Diary of a Spiritual Midwife (part 3)

September 4, 2009

At 2pm I went to have an appointment with Nicky. I was to journey (in the shamanic sense) to receive how I would use the ankh, and she was to scribe for the session. Thoth had been with me all morning; and as we sat in the gazebo of her luscious garden, Cobra came in as well. Cobra me the same pathway of energies that I had witnessed in the days before and much more. I was blown away to hear what I had seen, to learn more in depth, and recieve acknowledgement that what was coming through me was spot on. Oh why do we need acknowledgement so?

September 6, 2009

David, my birth partner who conceived Sacred Birthing with me and took it on the road as Sacred Birthing Seminars, calls me in Eugene and said he may not be going to climb the sacred Shiva mountain in Nepal because of intense headaches that he has to stop denying. Something is going on. He didn’t know what, and I may not be able to stay at his house for the 2 ½ months while he was gone. I want to camp and lie on the earth to let go, but other than a renewal, am not sure why else I am going to Mt Shasta. Suddenly the questions come, “Is he on this deathing path? Is he to be included too?” It’s difficult to think that this man, such a dear beloved of mine, is to transition. I have lots of work to do to be able to come to grips with this one. There’s lots of love and lots of history here. Can I be present? Is this really what is calling me here?

A Snowless Mt. Shasta

September 11, 2009

From Eugene to Mt Shasta. Its amazing to just drive distances after living on an island for 11 years. The mountain is as it has never been – without snow on it. Even in summer there is still snow, but not this and last year. What a shock. Global warming. I t does not seem right at all. It is not right at all, but that’s what is.

I drive up to my favorite place, Castle Lake, and camp for the first night right on the earth with the Milky Way stretched out, reflecting over the water. Wow.

David had a very infected tooth pulled out and we are hoping the infection has caused the headaches and that all will subside. He said that death has been dancing in the trees outside, not menacing, just there.

Diary of a Spiritual Midwife (part 2)

Ani & Steve at Ani’s birthday party

My dearest friend, Ani, picked me up from the train station in Eugene. She took me to sit with a friend whose father was dying. Oh my goodness. I went right in to introduce myself and let him hear my voice. Looking at him, I saw colors I didn’t expect in unusual places: lots of dark yellow around the heart with a tiny pink core of lace around the edges of the heart, blue in his gut and red-brown in his head area. “Was he an angry man?” I asked. Yes. I asked to release his worldly burden from his shoulders and as those were released, life’s experiences were drawn into his heart and his heart let go of the sorrow-full yellow and the pink glowed brighter and puffier. There was a black writhing energy showing itself coming out of the gut. I teased it out and offered it as energy to the Earth Mother. As his daughter came in the room, a light shot out of her 3rd chakra to his 3rd chakra and I understood that her energy was holding him here and pulling on him. No wonder she was exhausted. This happened every time she came in and it seemed to me that it was causing him to stay embodied longer than needed. She constantly called to him to acknowledge that she was there by squeezing her hand, which he did, and then to indicate if he was in pain by another squeeze… Which he never did. I suggested she sit with him 2 full hours and tell him everything she could think of. She let out the love when she was with him; but she was also full the anger and pain of growing up with him. She let that out with us.

The next morning, much had shifted. He was peacefully in his deathing process. There was no more squeezing. His colors were swirling. An energy came into his crown and went to his throat and swirled like a whirlpool there. From the throat, the energy moved and then made a figure eight in his 2nd chakra. When it left there, it went to his kidneys moving in circles around each one. Then everything stopped. I felt that was all for now. The daughter was so full of her own pain that she saw pain on the same face that I saw total peace. She was insistent that morphine and tranquilizers be given to him each night. So, who was it for?

That night Ani and I went to Nicky Scully’s once a month open house. Nicky leads trips to Egypt and writes books on it too. Who better to ask about the ankh? As I pick it up, I hear, “Ask her to activate it.” So she does, then rubs a beautiful oil into it. I receive it back and she suggests we have a journey on Friday.

We go back to the friend and her dying father. We find him at that place in the deathing journey where you feel that it might be forever, yet you know it can’t be. I spoke to the daughter about how death creates our birth and how allowing him to die a conscious death without drugs would offer him a birth without drugs; but she was defensive and said that she was going to do what the hospice team said, drug him. Her daddy left his body Thursday evening at 7pm. What he showed me two days before would help many others. What she showed me was the answer to a question I had long held.

I understood C-sections better now. I felt this was a C-section death. Just like so many C-section births: this was a death that did not consider the “baby,” but more the caregiver’s needs. He did not need her pulling him back to comfort herself. He could have gone quite consciously had the caregiver not been in such fear, he did not need to wait for her schedule. Nor did he need the morphine. On one hand she was exhausted from the three weeks of constant care, but she did not attend to her own inner work, that would have freed him in a more conscious death, and therefore a clear and conscious birth. Oh, that we do our own work. Help us truly see who the one before us and not our own pain.